Learning to Love Change

We moved house from North London to South (Wimbledon). The 8 year old left behind his friends, house and the school he loved, to move to a completely new neighborhood. All because his parents “thought it was a good idea” (his words).

I am delighted he had the experience of a minor “stressor” in his otherwise stress-free life. Adapting and thriving through change is like any other muscle: if there is no opportunity to overcome uncomfortable feelings early on, minor life changes can become a big drama later.

Most children don’t have the experience of immigration or serious adversity to train the shockproof muscle. The confidence of ‘I can overcome anything and flourish under any conditions’ is harder to acquire in the age of convenience and relative prosperity.

Leading up to our move there was occasional sulking and bouts of ‘why are you making me move’. A tight natural balance was calibrated in our response:

Validate the feelings, don’t validate the drama and internal story that aggravates the feeling. 

My husband was better at validating the feelings of sadness about the loss of friends and the known environment. But there is a healthy limit of how much attention is worth spending on validating the negative Story. Perhaps there is an option to choose another Story? And then perhaps this new Story shifts the experienced emotions and feelings?

There is a potentiality for a positive concealed in every perceived negative. The human wiring just usually doesn't perceive it quickly (or in this lifetime). As someone who has learnt not to fight with life and arrived at the superiority of WHAT JUST IS (aka reality), any change, especially the one thrown at you from “greater forces”,  is to be perceived with open arms. I don’t preach this attitude, I live and embody it. My son even started playfully mocking me months before the move:  "Everything is better in Wimbledon, isn't it mummy?”

I don’t mind in the slightest being the clown if it’s grounded in the reality of how things work:

Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy of the predominant contents of the mind. Chosen thoughts about thoughts and about one's feelings can be nutritious or junk food.

You know how they say “the pessimist and the optimist will both be right?” 

I think the best life comes if you can be neither - just be a lover of reality as it happens, without fighting it in your mind and overly attaching to outcomes. (There are people who significantly refine this level of perception for a reason, but they are rare).  Having said that.. if you are inclined to venture into future prediction, then you are better off having an optimistic tilt. It just means wearing another kind of glasses, through which you perceive the world and opportunity differently and hence act differently. 

One might say - why not have some wallowing in drama if that's what the person wants at this time? For me it’s no longer an authentic reaction to indulge the extent of the dramatization. I could degrade your abilities by playing along. I could pretend not to know how powerful you are to shift your own reality (with a shift of your perspective). But I am not interested in playing in this theater any more.

You can have as much drama as you want in life - if that is what you want. I am just questioning how you really want to feel and saying that it’s in your hands to shift. Events are opportunities to gain a deeper understanding of life, which, in turn,  makes excess drama obsolete. The sooner one sees it for what it is, the better life experience becomes. They don’t tell you this in schools. 

I told my son there is opportunity and benefit from any change on closer inspection, no matter how grim it seems. In this case there is nothing grim, but from his perspective losing his friends and known environment was a reasonably big change. 

He asked “ So how can there be a benefit from things like hay fever and breaking your leg?” Absolutely, I said, there can be benefits from that, if this occurs. You just need to be able to see possibilities wider than usual. For example, if you don’t suffer some inconveniences in childhood - how are you meant to learn resilience, tenacity and dealing with discomfort? Do you think every baby is born with these abilities? Some require more practice.

There is also a beautiful Chinese parable on the broken leg instance:

Farmer’s son was trying to break one of the horses and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The neighbors cried, “Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not.”

A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, recruiting all boys for the army. They did not take the farmer’s son, because he had a broken leg. The neighbors shouted, “Your boy is spared, what tremendous luck!” To which the farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

What other options besides moving are there?

There are plenty of opportunities  for a child to grow their resilience and adaptability to change:

1. Independence + nature

Wild camping/hiking trips with overnight stays come to mind. Beautiful story in the Times of a mom who sent her son and 8 friends (13-14y) wild overnight camping without smartphones. Parent-free is the key there. Take away parental conditioning, fears and drama and watch the children bloom naturally. 

Walking to school by themselves or to the grocery store as early as possible is a good idea. I love this Hero’s Journey of an 11 year old into the grocery store from Letgrow organization. They have research and tips on child independence therapy (it’s sad this has to be prescribed now to some children’s parents as “therapy”).

2. Animal observation + conversation

Animals provide endless opportunities for showing as opposed to preaching. The parent can use them as a crutch to make observations:
“Does it look like this cat has any fear, uncertainty or doubt ever polluting his experience? Anything like that, beyond fulfilling his direct needs?”
“Look at this ever joyful dog, no matter where he is led - he is always up for anything”.

Our cats are the best zen teachers.
It is true, we need more discernment and have more agency than a cat and a dog. But that doesn’t mean they are not there to learn from are not a useful reminder. Reminder of what? The ideal of getting out of your own head. The being your natural self without masking joy/ without unnecessary projecting into past /future. The ideal of enjoying life without overthinking it for longer than necessary. Many philosophers spent a whole life struggling just to arrive to this conclusion :) Kids can learn that from observing animals.

3. Give the child permission to fail:

If you overly protect your children

They will fear failure

And avoid pain.

But failure and pain are twin teachers

Of important lessons.

Unless your children fully experience both

How will they know they have nothing to fear?

Your children do not learn from their successes.

They learn from their failures.

They must have complete permission to try and fail.

And discover they are still OK.

What has your child failed at recently?

How did they react?

How did that make them feel?

How can you each learn from this?

~ From The Parents Tao Te ching (W. Martin)

So.. is everything better in Wimbledon now we are here? Absolutely! The drama stopped on the day of the move and didn't reappear. Only joy. What becomes of the place all depends on the type of glasses you choose to wear. 

Useful resources:

• For 3-7 year olds: My son loved this great little book Tiger Tiger Is it true?  by Byron Katie that introduces  a way to question your thoughts and concerns in a fun way. It empowers a child to inquire about their own beliefs and choose the glasses that work.

• Great newsletter and resources for fostering independence and resilience:

  https://letgrow.org/

• For adults (that then seeps into children): Core 1.5 mindfulness course by Shinzen Young is excellent ( because you can’t pass anything on if you don’t live it yourself): This is research-based, free, no dogma treasure. It breaks down the internal process of what is occurring in one's perception to see how it’s all fleeting. One can easily learn to increase focus capacity, observe non-permanence, things arising and watch them dissolve. How is this related? Less dramatization with parent => less drama with the child. https://unifiedmindfulness.com/ (I am not affiliated)

• The Thinker and the Prover framework is for me the most interesting framework about the workings and delusions of the mind. Presented in 6 threads by Jim O’Shaugnessy, it is very much worth it. This can be discussed with older kids. When opportunity naturally presents itself, I will relate it to my son in a way that is approachable and possibly will write about it.